TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a characteristic staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after obtaining the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. Trump Tower Damascus "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have turn-down company."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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